Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
