we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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