so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
