I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
