I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Boobs speak an international language.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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