just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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