The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
