Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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