Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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