You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
