wat bout pragnant strippers??
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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