Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
