Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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