I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
