im about as happy as oj after his trial
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
