I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
