Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
