Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
