im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I need to calm my uterus...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
