What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
