cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
