Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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