you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
