Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
