If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
