I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
