My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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