After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
