All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
