mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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