i dedicated my morning wood to you.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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