i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
