I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
