I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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