VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
