someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
