i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
