Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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