My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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