Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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