I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
