Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
And then my night got REAL pukey
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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