i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
