yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
