One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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