Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
