Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
