I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
