I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
