I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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